Stranger than your sympathy
by AmyNY
Summary: Peyton goes to see Lucas after Keith's death and comes to some surprising discoveries. LP


_AN: This happens after the episode 3x16 "With tired eyes, tired souls we slept." Brooke and Lucas never got back together in season 3, they're just friends._

_Disclaimer: I don't own OTH, Mark Schwann does._

_-LP-_

She put down her pencil on the desk and looked outside through the window. It was a beautiful sunny afternoon. There wasn't even a single cloud on the sky. And yet she was stuck in her room because her dad told her not to go anywhere considering that she got back from the hospital only two days ago. But even without that little fact she really didn't feel like going out. Actually, she felt just the opposite.

She lowered her eyes on the drawing she just finished. It was a sketch of a boy standing by a grave, hands in his pockets. His face was almost expressionless, except for his eyes. There was something in them but she didn't know exactly what. Sadness? Guilt? Pain?

Regret?

It has been exactly two days since she last saw him, in the library of Tree Hill High when he came to her just in a moment when she thought her life would end there, on the old, dusty library floor, a place she visited maybe once in her whole life. It would make sense in a way..

Peyton Sawyer dying alone.

Just the way her life has always been. Why would her death be any different?

That's why she felt like laughing when she saw his blue eyes looking at her. Could it really be that her luck has finally changed? Every part of her body hurt and she barely managed to keep her eyes open, and yet somehow she felt safe because she knew he would take care of her. And then, as they sat leaned on a book shelve, on the floor of an empty school library, he looked her in the eyes and made her a promise he couldn't keep.

A promise that everything would be alright.

But since that day, things have been everything but alright. For everyone she knew, not just her or him. She knew he was hurting but she just couldn't make herself go and see him although at the same time she wanted to do exactly that so badly it hurt. She didn't want to see him because of a one particular reason because she knew seeing her face would only remind him of that terrible day and of the choice he had to make. The choice to save her life. God, how could she feel so guilty for being alive? But she couldn't escape the thought that played over and over in her mind like a broken record.

_If he hasn't gone into the school building that day to save her Keith would be alive._

It was a fact she couldn't escape from. Maybe it would be better if he hasn't come. Maybe he should've left her there. Maybe he wished he hasn't come. That was the question she was afraid to ask. She was afraid to hear him say that. But what if? What if he regretted saving her? She knew one thing. She couldn't avoid him forever. She had to find out someday.

And why couldn't that someday be today?

Her eyes drifted away to her drawing and she looked at it for the longest moment and then grabbed her leather jacket from the chair behind her and got up, taking her crutches that were leaned on the wall by the door of her room.

She knew what she had to do.

Peyton pretty much knew that her father would be mad at her for going out and not telling him but she didn't care. He was always so protective of her, his only daughter, especially since they didn't spend a lot of time together because he was always on some trip because of his job. But she had a sneaking suspicion he'd understand why she had to go. Plus right now, there were things that mattered more.

There was a boy she needed to see.

-LP-

She walked out of the cab paying to the driver and headed to her destination few short steps away. By the time she got to the Rivercourt it was already getting dark but she could see him clearly, sitting on the bench, looking at the distance lost in his thoughts. Peyton understood that he needed to think about a lot of things. But at the same time she knew he was doing the same thing she did when Ellie died.

He was shutting himself off.

It was easier than talking and admitting he wasn't alright. Actually, nothing was alright, far from it. She understood that all too well. And yes, it was easier at first but later on it just became a burden too big for one person to carry.

It was a quiet night and as she approached he finally looked up, hearing her footsteps as she cursed herself for being so clumsy with the crutches that she was sure that people mile away could hear her walk. Their eyes met and she stopped for a moment waiting for his reaction. He looked at her briefly without saying a word, obviously not exactly pleased to see her there. For what reason, she wasn't sure yet. Then, Lucas stood up reluctantly, and she came closer pulling him into a comforting hug.

They didn't say anything, and to her it seemed they stayed like that for hours although it was only mare seconds. He pulled away offering her a small smile.

"Shouldn't you be in bed?" he asked helping her sit down on the bench beside him.

"I was. For days. But then I got bored and decided to check out on an old friend of mine," she said, nudging him gently on the shoulder.

"Well, I'm alright. Since you know that now you can go home," he said, obviously trying to get her to leave him alone.

"I think I'm gonna pass on that offer and stay right here where I am," she said with a small smile. She wasn't going to let him get out of this easily.

"Peyt, really, you should go."

"Lucas I'm not gonna go so can you just drop it and really you should know better than to ask me that. I know that you're not okay. Please just…talk to me," she said quietly, her hazel eyes searching for him as he stubbornly refused to face her.

He didn't say anything so she spoke again.

"I know what you're doing because, I did the same thing," she said quietly looking at him "When my mom died eight years ago, just like now when Ellie died, all I wanted was to go back to school and pretend everything was alright, forget the whole thing. But it wasn't. And if it wasn't for you guys I would've never admitted that," she said looking at the river, memory still fresh in her mind.

They both sat in silence for a long time.

"But it's just that…it's all so messed up," he finally said "Things were starting to look good in the last couple of weeks, you know? After all those years of being just me and mom, I finally had a real family. I mean, I did think of Keith as my dad before but now that he was going to get married with my mom it would kind of make it official, you know? And mom was happy. And suddenly now Keith is dead and my mom thinks it's my fault, and you almost died and..."

Peyton looked at him not believing all the things he just said. "What do you mean Karen thinks it's your fault? She would never say that."

"No, she would. And she has every right to think that. Because it's true. It's all _my_ fault," he said finally looking up at her, his eyes tearing up.

"Lucas…your mom is just hurt and she can't think about her own words right now. You and I both know Keith would go in that building even if you weren't there because that's the sort of person he was. That's the only truth there is. You have nothing to feel guilty about," she said looking him straight in the eye, making sure he heard her.

"I don't know. But anyway it's something I have to live with."

"It'll get batter eventually. Believe me. We're all here for you. But just don't close yourself off. Not from us, your friends and family. Life is too short to fake it."

"I guess you're right about that. Life is short. That's why-" he paused taking a deep breath. "After a lot of thinking I have made a decision. I'm going to quit the team," he finally said with a sigh "For good."

"Why?" she asked, shocked by his words.

"Because Peyton- I have HCM." There it was. He finally said it out loud.

Peyton looked at him not believing her own ears. Did he just say…no, no it couldn't be. Those three little words hit her straight into the heart. She knew him better than that. She would have noticed. Or maybe she was too consumed with her own problems and with blaming him for not being there to actually notice anything else but herself? How could she be so selfish? Did they really become so distant these days? Guess the answer to that question was yes after all.

Peyton didn't know what to tell him after this. All she could think about was that this was just his way of handling things. Lucas Scott, saving everyone but himself. Maybe now it was her turn to save him for once.

And so she pulled him closer into her arms as he finally allowed himself to break down. They both sat there in silence crying. For Keith. For Karen. For him. For her. For all of them. Even for Jimmy Edwards. After all this they knew one thing for sure – nothing would ever be the same. Nothing.

She looked at his teary blue eyes trying to remember when was the last time she saw him cry. But in the end she came to a revelation that she really hasn't. Ever. Usually it was her who needed comforting. And he was the one who was there to give her that. To be her shoulder to lean on, to cry on. She didn't know what to do now when the roles were reversed. She didn't know how to be strong. But she had to be. It wasn't something she could choose. It was something that had to do to save a friend..

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't know," he said quietly.

The awkward silence fell between them.

"Actually, that's a lie. I guess I just thought that if I didn't say it out loud then it didn't exist and I could still play basketball. I was ready to do anything for that. Basketball is my life Peyton. It's like whenever I had some problem basketball was my escape from all of it," he said recalling all those afternoons at Rivercourt. "All I think about when I get to the court is how to get the ball to go through the hoop, nothing else. And if I don't have that anymore where does that leave me?" he asked.

"But now…with everything that happened…I see that things can change in a moment," he said, glancing at her.

"Lucas, I know it's not easy. But believe me when I say that things will get better with time."

He looked at her not believing a word she just said. His light blue eyes were shinning with unshed tears. "Yeah, well, I don't think that's true. I think they only get worse, not the other way around," he said bitterly.

"Luke, you know me for what, three years?" he nodded as she continued, "Well, you pretty much noticed in all that time that I'm not the most optimistic person in the world. Actually quite the opposite for most days, so when I say that things will get better, they _will_."

"You're just more realistic then the others," he said.

"And you're a bad liar but thanks for trying." she said with a grin.

He couldn't help but smile at her comment.

"Oh my God, did I just make Lucas Scott smile?"

"Real funny, Peyt," he said twisting an empty bottle of meds in his hands.

Peyton didn't notice it until now. And suddenly uncomfortable silence spread between the two of them. She guessed what it was and somehow it reminded her on how distant they've became in these last couple of months. So distant she didn't even know he had a dangerous life threatening disease.

She reached in her packet for something and then put it in his hand. He looked what it was. A few twenties. He closed his hand and gave her back the money but she refused.

"You need it more. At least until you're ready to tell the truth to your mom."

He looked at her for a moment and then finally whispered a quiet thank you as she hugged him. They separated after a moment; his blue eyes locked with her hazel ones. She felt like she could get lost in them.

_I love you. _

"Peyt, you ok?"

"Yeah, I just…little tired that's all."

He looked her straight in the eyes, worry written all over his tired face. "You sure?"

How could he always know when something's wrong? It was like he could read her mind every single time. And the look on his face…he was truly worried about her well-being. He had so much on his mind these days and yet he worried about her!

"Luke, I'm fine," she reassured him.

"C'mon I'll give you a lift home," he said.

Peyton nodded and stood up from the bench when suddenly she lost her balance and before she knew it she found herself in his strong arms, inches separating them. She could feel his breath and his hearts steady beat. She found it hard to breathe.

She leaned in, crossing those few inches and their lips met as he kissed her back. It felt good to be in his arms again. Feeling safe and loved. If only she could stay like that forever, without the inevitable separation that always followed. Like at a party long time ago when he told her he wanted it all with her and she ran. Now she didn't want to run, she wanted to stay. What she didn't want to admit that night at the party was that she wanted it all with him too.

And when she was finally ready to face it was too late.

The questions and promises always made her go the other way. She didn't need that yet now as much as she feared his response she also craved it, almost as much as his kisses and the warm hands that held on to her like they'll never let go. And yet she knew they will. They always did and that scared her.

And then he stepped away looking at her steadily, trying to compose himself from the kiss that occurred a moment ago. She didn't say anything, fear mirroring in her hazel eyes. What could she do now? Tell him the truth and risk getting hurt again by the same guy or go the easy way and lie about it?

"Wait, what just happened?" he finally asked, breaking the silence.

"We kissed."

"I know that."

"So…"

"So, WHY did you kiss me?"

"Hey, you kissed me first."

"This is ridiculous."

"Yeah, tell me about it."

"Well, we kissed, meaning…"

"Okay, I know it's stupid but I gotta ask. Do you still…have some feelings for me?"

"No, no…I…I don't know. It's just that I…"

"Because I do love you," she said as he looked at her forgetting whatever he was about to say.

"What?"

"Yeah, I guess I do," she said, relieved somehow, smiling for some reason known only to her. "It's funny because deep down it was like I knew all along but I always tried to escape it, ignore it. You were the first guy I really fell for, loved with that give-everything-for-it sort of intensity and I convinced you and also myself that love like that can just go away in one single week. That's how blind I was! But now I just…I can't hide it anymore. I still love you and I know it's stupid and silly and totally out of the blue but I..."

She was cut off by his lips crashing against hers. And that was the only answer she needed. That kiss confirmed her something she couldn't even dare to dream about all this time. It was completely surreal and yet so natural. Like it was always meant to be.

And it was. To her.

And now it was for the both of them.

She smiled despite herself as they broke their kiss.

"What's so funny?" Lucas asked her.

"Nothing. I was just thinking about us today. How we became so distant these last few months and how it took for our lives to become totally miserable for us to realize something that was true all along. I mean how blind were we?" she said with a smile.

"You know what they say about denial-" Lucas said, matching her smile.

"Just like me."

"That's why I love you."

"Yeah right."

"Now I really should get you home. Your dad's going to kill me." he said.

She started walking slowly to the car as he smiled at her clumsiness.

"I think you don't need those," he said taking away her crouches.

"What are you talking about?"

Before she knew it he took her in his arms and carried her to the car.

"Luke, you shouldn't do that. With that whole HCM thing, I don't want to be responsible if something happens to you."

"Hey, just because I have HCM it's not like I'm 70 years old."

"I don't know."

He put her down by the car and she sat on the passengers' seat as he went to the drivers' side.

"Let's just get home."

"I'm with you on that."

"And Peyt…"

"Yeah?"

"Thanks for coming here tonight. I really don't know what I'd do without you."

"I don't know what you'd do without me either," she said as he smiled and drove off down the deserted street.

She had so many things to do, problems to take care, but she had tomorrow and every other day to do so. And she had someone to help her do that. Someone who would stand beside her. Someone who knew her better then she knew herself sometimes. And that was all she could ask from life.

And she knew better than anyone that life wasn't a fairytale, it didn't have a happy ending. Just the contrary, it was hard, full of ups and downs but it sure was a lot easier to survive it when you had someone who could share that burden with you.

And that someone for her was Lucas Scott. A lost boy with ruffled hair and a grey hoodie who walked into her life on that late summer afternoon and never left.

Guess people don't always leave after all.

_(the end)_


End file.
